The four horsemen that poison relationships, and how to stop them
You know that moment when an argument takes a turn, and suddenly, you’re no longer talking about the issue, and instead you’re attacking each other? Maybe it starts as a small frustration, but before you know it, one of you is criticizing, the other is getting defensive, and suddenly, you’re in that all-too-familiar cycle of disconnect. You might even wonder, Why do we always end up here?
The truth is, relationship struggles aren’t always about big betrayals or incompatibility. More often, they come from subtle, repetitive communication breakdowns; patterns that slowly chip away at trust, intimacy, and emotional safety. Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in relationships, found that four specific behaviors predict relationship distress with over 90% accuracy. He called them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because, if left unchecked, they signal deep trouble ahead.
These behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, and they are often coping mechanisms for deeper fears, insecurities, and past wounds. They don’t mean your relationship is doomed, but they do tell you where healing is needed.
There is good news! You can change these patterns. Awareness, as always, is the first step, and from there, you can start making small shifts that create massive transformations in how you communicate, connect, and resolve conflict. Let’s dive in.
We’ll start with criticism, which is the attack on character. Criticism happens when one partner points out flaws in the other in a way that feels like an attack. Instead of addressing a behavior, criticism goes after a person’s character. Phrases like, “You never listen,” or “You’re so selfish,” don’t invite resolution, they shut it down.
Gottman explains, “When you criticize your partner, you are implying that there is something wrong with them.” This immediately puts the other person on guard, making it unlikely they’ll respond with understanding.
A healthier alternative is to express complaints without blame. Instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” try, “I feel overwhelmed managing everything alone. Could we work together on a plan to share responsibilities?” Focusing on your feelings and needs rather than attacking your partner makes it easier for them to hear you without becoming defensive.
Lets move on and talk next about defensiveness, which is a reflexive shield. Defensiveness is the knee-jerk reaction to feeling blamed. Instead of taking responsibility, the defensive partner makes excuses, counterattacks, or shifts blame. When one person says, “You forgot to pay the bill,” and the other immediately fires back with, “Well, you never remind me!” the conversation escalates into a cycle of blame and frustration.
Defensiveness is often a way of protecting oneself from shame or feeling inadequate. But as Gottman says, “Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, ‘The problem isn’t me, it’s you.’”
Breaking this pattern requires a shift in perspective. Instead of reacting, pause and ask, “What part of this can I take responsibility for?” Even acknowledging a small piece like, “I did forget to pay the bill, and I see why that frustrated you”, can diffuse tension and open the door to a more constructive conversation.
Next, we will talk about what is called stonewalling, the silent shutdown. Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws from a conversation, either physically or emotionally. They may shut down, give one-word answers, or leave the room altogether. This often happens because they feel emotionally overwhelmed and don’t know how to respond.
Gottman explains, “Stonewalling is a physiological response to feeling flooded.” The nervous system goes into a fight-or-flight mode, and the person shuts down to protect themselves. The problem is that this withdrawal creates more distance and makes the other partner feel abandoned.
Instead of disappearing, communicate your need for space. Saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need a few minutes to reset. Can we continue this in 20 minutes?” allows both partners to take a break without creating emotional distance.
Finally, let’s talk about contempt, aka the absolute relationship killer. Of all the Four Horsemen, contempt is the most dangerous. It happens when one partner speaks from a place of superiority: mocking, using sarcasm, eye-rolling, or belittling. Contempt sends the message, “I’m better than you,” which erodes trust and emotional intimacy. Research has found that contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce.
Gottman warns, “Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner.” Over time, it creates a culture of resentment in the relationship. Instead of contempt, focus on cultivating appreciation. Regularly acknowledging what you value about your partner, even in small ways, can shift the dynamic. Saying, “I really appreciate how thoughtful you were to make me coffee this morning,” helps reinforce a sense of connection and mutual respect.
So, how do we break the cycles and actually heal? It’s important to pause and remember that these behaviors aren’t signs of a failed relationship. They are coping mechanisms we’ve learned over time, often rooted in childhood experiences or past relational wounds. The good news is that with awareness and effort, these patterns can be changed. Let’s break down how to manage them:
Build Self-Awareness: Notice when these behaviors show up and pause before reacting.
Practice Nervous System Regulation: When emotions run high, slow your breath to signal safety to your body.
Use Healthy Communication Tools: Try Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by expressing feelings and needs without blame.
Cultivate Emotional Safety: Prioritize small moments of appreciation and connection each day.
I explore each of these Four Horsemen in-depth in one of my podcast episodes, including real-life examples and strategies for breaking these patterns. Listen on my podcast page here!
If you’re ready to shift these patterns, explore my coaching programs and guided meditations designed to help you communicate with clarity, connection, and confidence. Book your free, no strings attached vision session HERE!
Or, learn more about my coaching services HERE!
Relationships don’t have to be perfect to be fulfilling, but they do require intention. The goal isn’t to avoid conflict but to learn how to navigate it in a way that strengthens your bond rather than tearing it apart. When we become aware of these patterns, we create space for something healthier, deeper, and more connected.
What’s one small shift you can make today to bring more emotional safety into your relationships?
